I’m Out, But Not Really

Hey. I don’t know who is reading this. You can be a complete stranger for all I know. And for some reason, I find comfort in that. 

There’s something I have to tell you. I’m gay. But no one really talks about it.

It’s interesting really. Even when you are out of the closet, you still find things to hide away and not share. Like your past and present lovers. The one night stands and late night hookups. The loud girls night out. The quiet nights in. The days you feel on top of the world. And the nights you feel like utter shit and want to end it all. 

It’s weird coming out. It can be such a terrifying thing. Expectations and stakes seem so high that it keeps you sitting in the dark. But if you’re so lucky, you’re able to take those baby steps forward.

I’m out- but not really. 

A couple years ago I inhaled all those expectations I had rambling in my head and I finally got the chance to exhale- to breath. For the most part, my friends weren’t shocked. My brother knew all along. My parents tried to pray the gay away but they’ve come around. So what’s the problem?

The problem is, sometimes people only understand what they want to understand. They may not know it, but I hear the snickering and whispers during family parties. I hear the questions and I notice the stares. Instead of just having a conversation with you, they have conversations about you. And that hurts.

Every year when someone asks you if you have a girlfriend yet or when a family tries and sets you up on a blind date with a daughter of a friend- may be a funny story now, but every moment that happened, I just wanted to die. And I wish I could say that was an over-exaggeration.

I’m not trying to overdramatize coming out. But understand coming out can be dramatic for some-traumatizing even. I am thankful and lucky to have friends that support me and family that are working to understand. I just wish they could see all parts of me, and not just what they want to see. 

Just a thought that comes to mind every now and then. Do you have the same or similar experience? What do you think? Share with us in the comments.

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