It’s crazy how in one moment a person can mean the entire world to you and in a blink of an eye, they’re nothing.
Moments that were once filled with smiles and love, are now replaced with “I hate you’s” and goodbyes. From sweet whispered lullabies to screaming bloody murder. From talking everyday to not talking at all.
Memories damaged by temper, insecurity, jealousy and lust.
It was only a month ago when you still meant the world to me. But maybe those feelings were worn down and crushed before that. With every fight and every nasty word spat onto each other’s face- how could there have been an ounce of love left? With my body and heart covered with the bruises you’ve left behind.
You were once so careful with my fragile heart. But now it’s shattered upon the floor. Scattered along with all our memories. And now I am left alone to collect these broken pieces, as I shove and hide them away in the closet.
I wish I could say I’m surprised it ended this way. Maybe it would have been better to end it sooner. I was tired of hearing the “I’m sorry’s” and you were tired of me being tired. I was a fool waiting for you to change. The heart can only take so much pain. We’ve reached our limit, and I think we knew that. But neither of us were ready to pull the trigger. We were hanging on so tight, suffocating each other. Maybe we were scared to be alone. Maybe we were scared to see the other move on.
And unfortunately I lost that race. You did move on. And that broke me.
You probably won’t admit it, but you did. We agreed we both weren’t ready, but you moved on by acting on your own selfish needs. You confided and trusted a friend- one I was right not to trust. He used you, but you are too blind to see. You caved in with someone who doesn’t respect you. Here I am hurting while you’re getting your fix. With him. Him. With someone who you told me not to worry about. Someone who you knew had a history of using people.
Like a lion preying on a gazelle, he saw you in your time of vulnerability, saw his opening, and pounced on it. And of course he got to you. They always do.
And I was left disrespected and humiliated. You told me one thing, but did another. You told me the truth, but my heart could not take anymore beatings. You realized what you did was wrong, but the damage was already done. And after telling me your stupid mistake, you still considered seeing him. And to me, that was a spit to the face. That was you choosing someone over the feelings you’ve once proclaimed to me.
You were feeding me shit. And now I want nothing to do with you.
I wish I could say this was the tipping point, but there was so much more that burned us to the ground.
I gave you everything but you chose to stay in the past. And as time went on, the person I once fell in love with has turned into this ugly monster that I was afraid of. I couldn’t look you in the eye or even speak. You made me tense and you strangled me with your own demons. And I was pushed to a point where I’ve only been pushed once before. And I was terrified. Terrified that our relationship brought me there.
You made me fear my life. You took away my feeling of security. You took away the respect I had for myself. You took away my freedom. And worst of all, you took away my ability to love you.
I shouldn’t say I blame you because I realize these demons have manifested within you for years. But you can’t keep pointing fingers like a child at the playground. You can’t keep finding an excuse after excuse.
But it’s not all your fault. I admit I was part of the problem. I closed myself off from you, but how can you be so open with someone you no longer recognize. I was in a relationship with a stranger playing pretend.
What we had was special. And there was a time where we were happy. Where I chose to follow you no matter the destination. As long as we were together. But somehow we got lost along the way.
The last we spoke I proclaimed my hatred for you. But like most things, it was probably said out of anger. With time, I can learn not to hate you. But I do hate you for what you did to me. You threw me into a hole of depression and doubt. I have developed a wave of darkness that festers in my thoughts and behavior, gnawing at me until there’s nothing left. I am trapped behind my own eyes and I can’t seem to break free.
You screwed with my head and played my heart. And now I am stuck in this hole. With people I love, reaching down to pull me out- but I’m too weak to stand.
It’s not right, but maybe it’s okay. I’m setting you free and I will learn to let go. Above all else, you have showed me important lessons that have made me a little more wiser and- with time- stronger. You made me realize that I am capable of being loved and am deserving of better. And I think you are too, and I hope you learn to love and respect yourself the way I once did.
If you’re reading this, I would like to say thank you. I may be hurting now, but thank you for the years you’ve given me. I don’t regret being with you. Things happen for a reason and you’ve given me positive experiences that I am thankful for. But now I owe it to myself to find self-love and discovery. As do you. And understand just because I am no longer with you does not mean I no longer care about you. I think a part of me still does. But now I am focusing on moving on and finding happiness within my own life and I hope you’ll do the same.
Have a happy life. I wish you the best.
The One That Got Away
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