A Stranger in My Own Body

I can’t help but overthink. A dreadful clash between who, what, when, where and why.

Who am I? What am I doing? When will I be happy? Where do I belong? And why?

. . . “Why?”.

Probably the most important question of these five gentle sins. A constant battle of wrong and right. “Why did I do those things I did. Why did I say those things I said.” Regardless if I’m morally right or wrong, it’s too late. Because with every quiet tick is a heavy and booming tock. Time waits for no one and what’s done is done.

So why? Why do I torture myself with short days and longer nights? Nights staring at the dark corners of these four suffocating walls. A map of wrinkles on my frowned brows and a sea of emotions blurring my vision. Nothing but white noise and a haze – a haze of “what if’s” and “maybe’s.” Why am I here? Quietly screaming into my pillow with muffled cries and shortened lungs.

“Love is a four letter word and I’m stepping in it.”

Is there something wrong with me? Nothing. . .  Seeing nothing. Hearing nothing. Smelling nothing. Tasting nothing. Touching nothing. Feeling nothing.

Numb. Head to toe.

Numb from heartbreak and the outside world. Love is a four letter word and I’m stepping in it.

Every time I walk out that door, turn on the tv, and when I’m alone. Accompanied by my five friends once again. “Who cares what they think? What do they know? When will they learn? Where do I belong? Where do I belong? Where do I belong? Where do I belong? Where do I belong!”

. . . And there he is again. WHY. But this time, he’s with someone else.

Why am I here? And how?. . . HOW did I get here? How have I come to let myself be hurt like this.

“When you hide so much behind a smile, that smile will crack, and those emotions will come spilling out.”

I occasionally get in these moods. Where I feel like a stranger in my own body. Having moods that last a day or two, sometimes even weeks. A mood that is hard to explain. Hard to shake off. Pushed aside like last night’s greens. But when you hide so much behind a smile, that smile will crack, and those emotions will come spilling out.

It’s okay to be happy, and positive, and peppy, and cheerful and all. But honestly, it’s just as okay to be sad. We’re human. And because life isn’t perfect and life gets in the way. It can show no mercy and tear you to pieces, but again – that’s life. I may feel like I’m at the bottom of the hill some days but I know, regardless of how long it takes me, I’ll make it over the hill. And I will have learned from it and be a happier person because of it.

———-

Remember: We are all facing our own demons. Some take longer to tame than others.

———-

3 thoughts on “A Stranger in My Own Body

  1. Giuseppina Mangaoang says:

    When I initially commented I clicked the “Notify me when new comments are added” checkbox and now each time a comment is added I get four e-mails with the same comment. Is there any way you can remove people from that service? Thank you!

    Like

  2. Trina Parizo says:

    You could definitely see your skills in the work you write. The arena hopes for even more passionate writers such as you who aren’t afraid to say how they believe. Always follow your heart.

    Like

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